The Table
“Kids, seriously, for the last time, please pick up the living room!” I said in a voice a bit louder than normal.
I had been planning and preparing for this dinner party for a month. This was going to be a special night and I knew I didn’t want to shortcut on anything.
“Doug have you checked the meat lately? I really need to get the table set.”
If you know me, I’m not a crafty person. I would maybe consider myself creative, but definitely not crafty. However, I jumped on Pinterest for some table setting inspiration and had carefully crafted cute little place settings for the assigned seating.
I was busy running around like a crazy lady, barking orders left and right to Doug and the kids. It was so much fun for all of us. Insert sarcasm here. If you learn one thing from this, please hear this. Screaming orders at your family when you’re trying to get ready for company does NOT get them excited about having people in your home. It doesn’t cultivate a culture of hospitality. Trust me on this one.
We were excited. My husband was in his first year of pastoring and we were going to host the elders and their wives for dinner. We wanted them to know how much they were appreciated. We wanted dinner to be perfect…well, I did anyway. Our kids would have been perfectly fine with pizza.
Our guests started arriving and the night was a hit. I sat around that table and felt a couple different feelings. I felt accomplished. We managed to pull this off even though I was sure to let my family know where they were lacking while we prepared.
I felt grateful to be a part of such a great group of people. People who who understood the value of loving people into lasting relationships, who had been faithful for many years, who had set a great example for so many…these men and women were the real deal.
Finally, I felt exhausted. I was tired. Dinner parties are so much fun, but so much work! I sat and watched everyone enjoy their last couple of bites of dessert when I heard,
“Annie, can we help you clean up?”.
Now, here’s something about me you probably don’t know. One of my favorite things to do after people leave our home, is to clean up! I love putting everything back where it goes. It is so satisfying to me. And, as a general rule, Doug and I leave the clean up for after our guests depart because we don’t want to spend our time with them cleaning. And more times that not, it was me doing the cleaning without the help of my number one guy. But this night? My response was surprising even to me. Because deep in my heart and mind, I knew that I’d be the “lucky” one scrubbing all of those dishes.
“Oh no! Just leave them. Doug is always so great about helping me clean up”, I heard myself respond.
While the words flew out of my mouth, my mind quickly disagreed. Where did this come from?! Don’t get me wrong. Doug is an amazing servant! However, he would be totally cool with leaving that mess until the next morning. Dishes have never been his favorite. I sat there and smiled at Doug and then…
Something happened.
As I spoke those words to our guests, I saw my husband rise up. Instead of saying something like, “oh that’d be great, Doug rarely helps with the dishes”, I told the entire world that he was an incredible help at home. It felt really good saying that!
After our guests left that evening, our home had never been cleaned up and put back together faster!
I tell you this story because if you’re a wife, maybe you’re like I used to be? I used to “hint” in front of others the ways in which I wished Doug would help out more. Whether it had to do with the kids, the house, our finances, his time spent on hobbies, or any other thing I thought needed “adjusting”. I assumed that manipulating him into this would work. I have thrown my husband under the bus more than I care to admit. But that night? That night changed both of us.
I spoke encouraging, respectful words over my man instead of pointing out all the ways he doesn’t meet my expectations. He rose to the occasion and has never looked back. We often talk about that night around the table. That moment was pivotal in our marriage.
We have had many dinner parties around our table since that night. They haven’t all been perfect. We’ve scrambled to cook raw meat, messed up a recipe, forgot to clean the bathroom and didn’t get every corner swept. But knowing we have people to sit around our table, building relationships, celebrating success and mourning losses… it makes it all worth it.
You want the truth? If you’re struggling in your relationships right now because your spouse, or child, or friend, or pastor, or boss isn’t living up to your dreams and expectations, try speaking truth respectfully over them.
What you look for in someone is exactly what you’re going to find. If you’re always looking for the ways they fail you, you will find them…every…single…time.
That had been my habit in our marriage. But that night around the dinner table, my view of my husband changed. While I was waiting for God to change Doug’s heart, he changed mine instead.
