Surrendering Control
It was the summer of 2019….
I remember the day so vividly. I was in the kitchen doing the dishes and turned to go throw something in the garbage. As I walked over to the trash can that was spilling over and couldn’t possibly fit one more thing, I said out loud to myself, “doesn’t anyone else in this house see the trash?”. At that moment, I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed by the gross garbage stacked like Jenga. I felt annoyed that no one in my family had come and emptied it. I felt unseen and unappreciated. Why did the garbage have to be pouring over the top before anyone did anything? Can anyone else relate?
It was at that moment, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to me, “I AM the God who sees.” I stopped. Did I just hear Him right? And why would He tell me that? I remember actually saying out loud that I was kinda hoping He’d be the “God who does” at that moment because I could sure use some help around here. Yeah…not one of my finer moments. I realize this is a pretty dramatic story about garbage, but stick with me because I’m going somewhere.
This day led me on a year long journey to understand something I’ve struggled with a long time...my whole life actually. It led me on a mission to figure out why God would remind me of the story of Hagar in Genesis 16. I just kept hearing His words over and over. In many situations throughout that year, He would whisper these words. I asked people their thoughts on Hagar and the story where we hear Hagar call God, El Roi which means “The God who Sees”. I read the Bible story over and over. I begged the Holy Spirit to just tell me what He wanted me to get. But, it wasn’t until a year later that I recognized what He was trying to speak ever so gently to me...and Hagar wasn’t who I needed to pay attention to. It was a different woman in the story. Instead of shoving it in my face, God used His deep love for me, whispered to me that He saw me even when no one else did, and took me on a journey of digging into Scripture to lead me to the realization that I had a problem. A problem that’s so easily masked with good leadership or a “strong personality”.
I had a control problem.
Before I start stepping on some toes, let me encourage you with Jeremiah 31:3 “The LORD appeared to us in the past saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
This is the God we serve! His love for us is unending. It is not dependent on how good or bad we are. He loves us. Period. I kept this in my mind all year as I struggled through.
How many of us have been in a situation where we think we can maybe do it better or faster? Maybe you’ve received a promise from God through a prophetic word, an encouragement from a boss that you’re on track for a promotion, a promise from a loved one, or maybe you’re in a similar situation as the couple we’re going to look at today.
In Genesis 16, we find the story of Abram and Sarai (later renamed Abraham and Sarah). They had been promised more offspring than they could ever imagine. However, it wasn’t happening fast enough for Sarai. So, she took matters into her own hands…Sarai took control. She gave her servant, Hagar, to her husband. They slept together and conceived. Then, Sarai was mad about it so she blamed Abram.
I always laugh at this part. Poor Abram. He was just doing what he was told right? Or was he? We see a similar parallel in the story of Adam and Eve. Yes, Eve ate the fruit first, but Adam was passive. He was there when God told them to not eat the fruit and he was there when Eve took the first bite. In Genesis 3, we see the fall of mankind. Adam and Eve are tempted, fall to sin, and then God is telling them what the penalty will be.
Genesis 3:16 To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children (thanks Eve).Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
The Greek word for “desire” means “a stretching out after, a longing for, control”
We find this same Hebrew word in Genesis 4:7 when the Lord is speaking to Cain when he was plotting to kill Abel. “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” –Remember this story, bc I’m coming back to this verse.
So, the desire to control (especially for women) and to have sin control us is a result of the fall in the garden! The need to control others, situations, and even God and the direction of our lives is driven by our sin nature. Yuck. That is why we need Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit working in our lives!!! When we give our lives to Jesus, we are given certain gifts and fruits by the Holy Spirit.
One of these fruits is self-control. Exercising this fruit, by accessing the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives, gives us authority over the sin of control!
The story of Abraham, Sarah, Hagar and Ismael goes on with Sarah mistreated Hagar while she was pregnant with Ishmael, so Hagar runs away. It was at this point (vs. 13) where we see Hagar give the name “the God who sees me”. The Lord encourages her to go back home and there she bore her son, Ishmael. There is SO MUCH to this story, but for now, I’m paraphrasing for the sake of time.
God used this story to open my eyes to Sarah’s part of the story. Had she just been patient and trusted the Lord for His promise and timing, so much of this pain and betrayal wouldn’t have happened.
I came to the end of myself that summer and it all came to a head for me on Father’s day and our daughter's birthday. I was exhausted from trying to manage our schedule, our commitments, our parties...and trying to make it all perfect. We have a great place to host people, and we are so thankful. However, after multiple events in a row, I was feeling quite overwhelmed. I was out in the shop decorating for our daughter’s birthday and our son was “helping” by sucking all the helium out of every balloon. I tried hard to stay calm, but I could feel myself losing the battle. I finally had enough of his type of help and snapped! Like totally snapped. I slammed the door, ran into the house and flopped myself on the bed. It was every bit of dramatic as it sounds.
Imagine Doug slowly tiptoeing into our room just waiting for me to dump the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was “excited”. haha! Nervous is probably a better word. He had never seen me like this and wasn’t sure what to do or say. I laid there sobbing to him about how our son was popping balloons and laughing and how I was to the point of hating having people over….very irrational! On a normal day, I would have been sucking the helium out of the tank with him. We love having people over and I love birthdays. I was just done. My control and perfectionism reared it’s ugly head once again, and this was only the beginning of summer. We had many more events scheduled.
I felt like Hagar that day when I was sobbing to Doug. I felt like I was alone in the wilderness. And, then, the Holy Spirit, speaking through Doug, said, “we can pull the plug on the rest”. We can rest. We don’t have to do all the things. It was healing balm to my soul. His patience and kindness diffused my crazy emotions. We didn’t pull the plug, but just knowing that I was seen, made all the difference in the world to me.
I remember getting prayer the next Sunday morning. One of the elder’s prayed and got the verse Genesis 4:7 about sin crouching at my door and I had to master it. Just like God spoke to Cain. Much to both of our surprise, I knew exactly in that moment what God had been trying to gently speak to me that entire year. Right then and there, I confessed my sin of needing to control. Control my husband, my family, my calendar, those close to me, events, and the list went on. It felt SO GOOD to say I needed help and couldn’t master this sin on my own. It felt like about a gazillion pounds lifted off my shoulders.
Maybe some of you feel this same way? Maybe it’s not with your spouse, maybe it’s with your kids or your siblings? Your friendships? Or your boss or coworkers? --”I could do things way better. I’m going to undercut to advance.” Just because people don’t see things our way, doesn’t give us liberty to control them! Jesus doesn’t even do that! Maybe it’s being passive aggressive to get your point across. Believe it or not, sometimes we don’t always have to share our opinions! This is an area where the enemy can get in and cause division and strife.
You can either have: 1. Control or Growth
2. Control or Intimacy
3. Control or Unity
Control is counterfeit peace.
Do you know it took 25 years from the time God promised Abram many decendants to the time Issac arrived on the scene?
Let me encourage you…God is never late and never early. He is always right on His time! We have a tendency to try and rush things if our promises don’t come fast enough. Trusting Him and His timing is key. Grow through the waiting. Ask yourself these questions…
1. Does this really matter? Does it matter if your dishes are put away wrong? Or the vacuum lines aren’t just so? Or if your son is having fun while helping you decorate! Does this really carry impact for future generations?
2. Is this something you can control? Our attitudes, responses and behaviors are all things we can control. We can exercise self-control in the areas of time management, our health, and self-discipline.
3. Is this God’s alone to control? There are things in life that are just simply God’s alone to control. He is the Creator of everything! He isn’t suprised by anything that happens in your life. He isn’t frantically pacing in Heaven hoping it all turns out okay. No, He’s seated in His place of authority and you can trust that He is good. He has good things in store for those who put their trust in Him. There are things that happen in life that I will never understand or have a good answer for. We live in a fallen world. Life can be excruciating at times. But, God is always good, always faithful, and we can trust Him. He proved that once and for all on the Cross. Surrender control to Him.
4. How do I surrender the need to control? It comes down to your relationship with Jesus. If you haven’t surrendered your life to Him, it will be impossible to overcome sin. He loves you and is waiting for you with open arms to come to Him. He’s been pursuing you your whole life! Ask Him to forgive you of all your sins and to come in and be Lord of your life. Then, ask Him to help you overcome this yucky sin to need to control everyone and everything around you.
You know what I’ve learned? The garbage can still overflows, there is still sometimes stress in hosting, and not everything is perfect. But, I have so much more peace knowing that I don’t have to control everything!
If this is an area where you struggle, know I’m praying for you!
